The Runner Within

   I woke up late on Saturday morning and missed my long run with Rogue. I figured I would go down to Town Lake and knock out a 10 miler on my own and be back in bed by noon for a quick post run nap. It was all supposed to be easy. I am now about to give a full account of that run from start to finish.
  The weather was a cool 92 degrees when I parked at Barton Springs. I planned to run 10 miles and then a quick dip in the springs to cool off. I got out of the car, climbed down to the trail, started my watch and ipod and was off. Town Lake Trail is a 10 mile loop that goes around, oddly enough, Town Lake. There are 6 bridges that cross the trail and you can vary the distance of your run by choosing which bridge to cross. Mopac bridge to the Longhorn Dam is the full 10 miles. Mopac to IH35 is 7 miles. Mopac to Congress is about 5 miles. Mopac to First Street is about 4 miles and Mopac to Lamar is about 3 miles. I wanted 10 miles but decided to not do the big loop. Actually for some reason I decided to do the 7 mile loop twice. I realize that it was actually 14 miles but I thought it was time to start pushing my range past the 10-12 mile long run distance. It was about 10 am when I started and I did not bring any water or gels or gu to get through those extra miles, but I felt confident it would work out all right.
  I hit the trail and and went left for a clockwise direction. The first mile was tough to get going as I was warming up my muscles and getting my heart rate up. Sometimes this can be a miserable time during a run so I picked a nice relaxing cello song on the ipod to get through the first bit. I noticed my mind kept focusing on how crappy I felt. I was already too hot and I hadn't even finished the first mile of a 14 mile run. Some runners I know like to check out at this point with music or daydreams or whatever. Other runners like to maintain a constant vigilance on their breathing and how everything feels. I usually like to mix it up. This time I was going to retreat to the dark land of my own thoughts for the majority of the run and come out of my reverie every few miles to assess how I was coming along.
  After the first mile I was gone. No longer was I Colin, running on the trail in the miserable heat. I had become the philosophical zen master that went looking for answers to my life's questions. I wanted to know how I got here, why I do some of the things I do and why I can't do more. Basically I was beginning a journey of self discovery right then and there on the trail and I wasn't going to stop for the next couple of hours. When I run I sometimes visualize the ideas in my head. If I am tired I try to see myself effortlessly running with packs of hyperventilating runners struggling to keep up. It is all about the power of positive thinking. This time though it felt different. I wasn't just imagining myself beating other runners or winning a race. My imagination was turning into more of a narrative that I had to follow. I opened my minds eye and saw myself in the distance.
  Now there were two of me. One was running a 14 miler in the heat of summer while in a semi meditative state. The other was on a little green hilltop leaning against a tree with a nice cool breeze blowing. It was quiet where this version of me was. I was slowly running up to him and all the while he was just leaning and smiling at me. In the real world I was now about 4 miles into my run and had already stopped for more water at the water coolers and hit the bathroom near the tennis courts. On my inward journey I was coming face to face with the runner inside me. He looked like me, but  was younger. His hair hadn't started to gray and there weren't the same number of wrinkles that I had. He had a calm but gently smiling expression. I wanted to say something to him but when I got to him he turned to start his run, nodded for me to follow and we were off.
  Real world Colin was getting hotter and hotter. I was nearing IH35 and was glad that Rogue had setup some water coolers. The Colin inside was running along at a pretty good clip without even breathing hard. I couldn't talk to him so I just ran alongside him. This was the Colin I wanted to be. He was the one that didn't miss a workout, he didn't oversleep or have one too many beers the night before anything. He had never smoked for 10 years. He never hurt the ones he loved. He was calm and cool and nothing could rattle his cage. He was the fearless one who could look before he leaped. This was the Colin that I had always been chasing.
  I had made it to the next set of water coolers. It was getting on in the late morning so the crowds of runners had thinned out a little more than when I first started. I ran past Auditorium Shores where I take Oskar to swim sometimes and I wished he could be there with me. I ran on in my mind and on the trail and finished the first loop. I got to the water coolers back at Mopac and decided to take my shirt off for the second loop. I was immediately glad I did. I felt instantly cooler. I am usually not one of those guys that runs shirtless. I have done so before ifI start to overheat but for some reason I feel self-conscious about it, so I normally stay fully clothed. The Colin that I was running with however doesn't care. He doesn't worry about things like that. In fact he doesn't worry about much. The Colin I am chasing lives in the moment and the doubt and fear never creep up into his mind. Real world Colin is getting very tired now. I am now on mile 10 back at the Rogue water coolers at IH35. There is a guy at the water coolers and he keeps staring at me. Now that I think about it I have noticed a few more people staring at me since I took off my shirt. My worst self-conscious fears are starting to materialize but I push them back down as the Colin inside would do. I keep running.
  I am tired. The temperature is creeping up to 100 degrees now and I have about 3 1/2 miles left on my run. I start to make deals with myself, like just make it this corner up ahead and we will discuss what to do next. Why is this girl staring at me as she is running past? Is she checking me out or do I look like I am about to pass out from exertion and she is just debating calling 911 for me. I hope she brought her cell phone.  The Colin within is still running ahead leaping over fallen logs in the road while I trip over a real world stick and cramp up my hamstring in the process. He turns and smiles and just keeps on running. I smile to myself and catch up to him. It is at this point that I feel that I am about to reach some sort of decision, realization or epiphany about my life that I finally take a real good look at myself at assess my situation.
  I look down at my feet as I am running and that is when I notice them: Two circular band-aids Yep. I have left my pasties on for the second half of my 14 miler. I have ignored the wisdom of my friend Mark and have brought shame and humiliation upon my family's good name. Father I am truly sorry. That is what all the stares have been about. The Colin within has stopped running, turned towards me and is laughing. I have to laugh too. Luckily my body lacks the effort to pump the blood to my face or I would have been beet red. As it is all I could do was laugh hysterically at myself for the next mile. Wow. My inward journey was now over and it didn't end with a bang or a whimper. It was more like the sound of a gong going off and audience laughter followed.
  The last few miles were hell and I ran/walked the last mile back to the springs for my cold dip in the water. I was happy that I finally pushed past my latest barricade, happy I learned a little more about myself, and happy I could entertain the other runners on the trail that morning.